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Communicating with kids is an art form but it requires constant practice. Parents can sound as if they are chronically annoyed or genuinely delighted with their children. The tone of that conversation will affect their overall relationship. Constructive criticism can be destructive if the words and sentences are delivered in an angry tone and can be accepted as helpful if delivered in an friendly moderate way. Kids who come to our office often describe their parents as “always angry with them.” Their parents don’t even realize the way information is being delivered.
Geoff, an active eight-year-old who we were seeing in educational therapy described his father as “always yelling at him.” His father didn’t realize that this was the way his comments came across to Geoff. We suggested that he might get better results if he delivered his messages in accordance with a few rules. All parents might use some of these suggestions to get better responses from their kids.
Keep your messages short and simple. Geoff became “parent-deaf” when his father or mother rambled on and on. We suggested that his parents be careful not to take too long to get to the point or the verbal overkill would turn Geoff off.
We suggested that his parents make eye contact on Geoff’s child’s level to keep him focused upon what they were saying when they spoke. “I need your eyes and ears to be sure that you are listening,” or “I want you to get off the swing and let your sister use it now,” is far more effective than giving commands from a distance. Geoff seemed to respond better to this approach than having to respond to orders…like “do it!”
We told them to use the “when…then” option and make him an offer that he couldn’t refuse. “Geoff, when you finish your homework, then you can go outside and play with your friends,” or “Geoff, when you are in your pajamas and have brushed your teeth, then you can watch TV.” This gave him the sense of having a choice rather than a direct order.
We asked them to try to pitch their language to his developmental level. Asking youngsters like Geoff “why” they did something seemed to be totally ineffective. Kids young and old really don’t know why they did what they did and we are not sure that adults are always able to verbalize why they do certain things. On the other hand, Geoff was willing to talk about what he did when approached in a quiet manner.
If you are dealing with youngsters older than Geoff a parent might write his or her comments rather than repeating and repeating them like a broken record. When parents can inject a bit of humor into their statements they often get better response from their child.
We suggested that Geoff’s parents never criticize him when he is acting out of control. When he was screaming, crying, or not able to listen or when they were angry enough to feel out of control was the wrong time to try to make him understand what they expected. Whatever comments a parent wants to make should wait until the child and parent are calm and the child is able to listen and respond. Tone down the decibel level as well. If the child yells, the parent needs to speak at a quiet, controlled level.
When dealing with a child younger than Geoff, parents may need to repeat their comments a number of times to get his or her attention and response. Younger children take longer to internalize the meaning of a parent’s message. They are extremely egocentric and view the world only from their own perspective. Abstract language is processed slowly and understood with repetition.
We told Geoff’s parents to try to turn their criticism into a positive message giving him choices. A statement like “I’m going to throw out all of your sports gear if you don’t clean it up” can be turned into “Geoff, where do you think we can put this gear so it will be safe so that you can find it when you need it? Which is a better place in your closet or the mud room?”
Children young and old should be expected to speak politely and use words like “please” and “thank you.” Geoff’s parents complained that he never thanked them for things they gave him. We suggested that they should insist on good manners and that he might need constant reminders. Kids don’t necessarily learn to be polite by osmosis. Think of it as analogous to learning the multiplication tables. It takes a lot of practice to learn the multiplication facts and it takes a lot of practice to become a polite kid. An impolite kid will probably grow up to be an impolite young adult and we have more than our share of those.
We also felt that it would be useful to offer Geoff a pleasant alternative if they had to say no to his requests. Geoff’s mother might say “we can’t go swimming at the recreation center today but you can play a video game for the next hour while I do some work around the house.”
Last but not least, Geoff’s parents had complained that he never came in for dinner or away from the TV when he was called. Some youngsters need to see that you are involved with their interests before they shift to dinner or bedtime. Instead of yelling at him, perhaps he would respond better if his mother walked into the living room, talked to him about what he was watching or doing and then gradually eased him away from the program or game to come to dinner.
Geoff’s parents report that the scenes at their home have diminished in force and fury and he is becoming more cooperative and accepting of his parents rules over time.
Geoff, an active eight-year-old who we were seeing in educational therapy described his father as “always yelling at him.” His father didn’t realize that this was the way his comments came across to Geoff. We suggested that he might get better results if he delivered his messages in accordance with a few rules. All parents might use some of these suggestions to get better responses from their kids.
Keep your messages short and simple. Geoff became “parent-deaf” when his father or mother rambled on and on. We suggested that his parents be careful not to take too long to get to the point or the verbal overkill would turn Geoff off.
We suggested that his parents make eye contact on Geoff’s child’s level to keep him focused upon what they were saying when they spoke. “I need your eyes and ears to be sure that you are listening,” or “I want you to get off the swing and let your sister use it now,” is far more effective than giving commands from a distance. Geoff seemed to respond better to this approach than having to respond to orders…like “do it!”
We told them to use the “when…then” option and make him an offer that he couldn’t refuse. “Geoff, when you finish your homework, then you can go outside and play with your friends,” or “Geoff, when you are in your pajamas and have brushed your teeth, then you can watch TV.” This gave him the sense of having a choice rather than a direct order.
We asked them to try to pitch their language to his developmental level. Asking youngsters like Geoff “why” they did something seemed to be totally ineffective. Kids young and old really don’t know why they did what they did and we are not sure that adults are always able to verbalize why they do certain things. On the other hand, Geoff was willing to talk about what he did when approached in a quiet manner.
If you are dealing with youngsters older than Geoff a parent might write his or her comments rather than repeating and repeating them like a broken record. When parents can inject a bit of humor into their statements they often get better response from their child.
We suggested that Geoff’s parents never criticize him when he is acting out of control. When he was screaming, crying, or not able to listen or when they were angry enough to feel out of control was the wrong time to try to make him understand what they expected. Whatever comments a parent wants to make should wait until the child and parent are calm and the child is able to listen and respond. Tone down the decibel level as well. If the child yells, the parent needs to speak at a quiet, controlled level.
When dealing with a child younger than Geoff, parents may need to repeat their comments a number of times to get his or her attention and response. Younger children take longer to internalize the meaning of a parent’s message. They are extremely egocentric and view the world only from their own perspective. Abstract language is processed slowly and understood with repetition.
We told Geoff’s parents to try to turn their criticism into a positive message giving him choices. A statement like “I’m going to throw out all of your sports gear if you don’t clean it up” can be turned into “Geoff, where do you think we can put this gear so it will be safe so that you can find it when you need it? Which is a better place in your closet or the mud room?”
Children young and old should be expected to speak politely and use words like “please” and “thank you.” Geoff’s parents complained that he never thanked them for things they gave him. We suggested that they should insist on good manners and that he might need constant reminders. Kids don’t necessarily learn to be polite by osmosis. Think of it as analogous to learning the multiplication tables. It takes a lot of practice to learn the multiplication facts and it takes a lot of practice to become a polite kid. An impolite kid will probably grow up to be an impolite young adult and we have more than our share of those.
We also felt that it would be useful to offer Geoff a pleasant alternative if they had to say no to his requests. Geoff’s mother might say “we can’t go swimming at the recreation center today but you can play a video game for the next hour while I do some work around the house.”
Last but not least, Geoff’s parents had complained that he never came in for dinner or away from the TV when he was called. Some youngsters need to see that you are involved with their interests before they shift to dinner or bedtime. Instead of yelling at him, perhaps he would respond better if his mother walked into the living room, talked to him about what he was watching or doing and then gradually eased him away from the program or game to come to dinner.
Geoff’s parents report that the scenes at their home have diminished in force and fury and he is becoming more cooperative and accepting of his parents rules over time.
